Watch This: Blame it on Rio!

You know sometimes when something is so wonderfully great that you can justify calling it a masterpiece? This is exactly how I feel about the magnificence that is “Blame it on Rio.”

Before I actually tell you about “Blame it on Rio,” let’s discuss how I discovered it. It was June 2008, and both Nathalie and I rushed home from work to help my sister get ready for Prom. After all the makeup and hair and jewelry was over and done with, we were to head over to UCLA  to watch Djivan Gasparyan and Michael Brook perform. I was excited to be going, not only because I was reviewing the event, but because Djivan Gasparyan is one of my favorite musicians and I was especially proud he was appearing here because he’s Armenian. To make a long story short, the traffic coupled with the twisty turvy campus of the Bruins pretty much guaranteed that we were going to miss the performance. And we did. Oh, we so did. We drove down Sunset and almost an hour later, we finally reached the super market by my house where we decided to pick up some dinner before going home. Lo and behold, in the $5 bin, in between a Hello Kitty movie and Jerry Maguire lay “Blame it on Rio,” the greatest movie ever made. Nat ranted and raved about how we need to buy this immediately and watch it tonight because the contents of that plastic box were sheer genius.

At that point, I was up for anything, so I relented. We bought the DVD, our food and made our way home. Little did I know what was in store for me. Little did I know, that Blame it on Rio would be the end all be all of my existence.

“She’s the hottest thing on the beach. She’s also his best friend’s daughter!” so goes the tagline for this 1984 film that stars Michael Caine, Joseph Bologna, Valerie Harper, Michelle Johnson and a young Demi Moore. Directed by Stanley Donen perhaps known for directing such classics as the original 1967 Bedazzled, Charade, Singin’ in the Rain and the timeless “Lionel Richie Collection.”

“Blame it on Rio” tells the story of two best friends, Matthew Hollins (Caine) and Victor Lyons (Bologna), who decide to take a vacation to Rio, Brazil with their two teenage daughters. With Victor involved in a divorce and Matthew experiencing certain marital troubles of his own, the two decide to go it alone with their daughters, Jennifer (Johnson) and Nicole (Moore), otherwise affectionately known as Nikki.

Matthew is at times, a socially awkward man. With his fogged up glasses and curly adolescent hair Matthew feels uneasy most of the time, especially around the scantily clad women of Brazil. Victor on the other hand, is a take life by the horns type of guy. His dark, healthy and abundant head of hair proves it. Still, they’re a great pair together, even Eduardo, their next door neighbor thinks so.

Eduardo Marques: You are, how you say, the queer couple?

Matthew Hollis: Odd couple, odd.

Oh Matthew, this back handed insult is the least of your worries. Let’s talk about Jennifer, shall we? A typical teenager, Jennifer’s overly processed poufy hair, braces and goofy phrases do not at all match her curvaceous figure, which is used to its full potential in Rio, as it seems that Brazilians are immune to any kind of clothing that remotely covers their bits and parts.

When Matthew, his daughter Nikki, Jennifer and Victor attend an impromptu Brazilian wedding, the sparks that begin to fly are not only reserved for the bride and groom. Over come by desire and the all around air of Rio, Jennifer and Matthew consumate their relationship, or lack thereof on the beach, even with the 28-year age difference. Ah, as they say, love knows no age. Except this isn’t love. This is teenage lust, which, although its origins are unknown in this case, can only be blamed on one thing: Rio!

Jennifer Lyons: Kiss me!

Matthew Hollis: Kiss you? I ought to spank you!

Jennifer Lyons: Oh, please, and bite me too!

What ensues here after  is nothing particularly special in terms of plot, however the execution is what makes this film ensure a place in my heart for eternity. Jennifer, desperate to get Matthew to love her, visits a mystic, surprises him when she can and constantly tries to grope him under the table, all within close distance of her oblivious father. Matthew, torn between the raw desire he has for Jennifer and his moral code (she is, after all, the same age as his daughter), becomes more a nervous wreck, and therefore hilarious, than ever before. When Jennifer decides to tell her father about the boy (errr..man) she slept with (”But Daddy, I loooooove him!!”), Matthew, over hearing the conversation in the next room, tries to pack his suitcase and escape out the window.

Victor: You can’t go!

Matthew: I’ll be back but I have to go first.

Unsuspecting Victor enlists the help of Matthew to track down whoever it is that has de-virginized his daughter, and between the Brazilian backdrop, cheesy 80’s sound affects and scenarios and Michael Caine, “Blame it on Rio!” is everything you’ve ever wanted and more. If you’re ever feeling down in the dumps, this is the movie for you. The sheer ridiculousness of it, coupled with the insanely infectious, completely off-key and ludicrous title song will have you in hysterics.

Matthew: You only live once, but it does help if you get to be young twice.

What if we broke a few rules, acted like fools, what do weeee careeeeee, BLAME IT ON RIOOOOO!