There’s a topic I’ve been avoiding here for weeks. Partly because I didn’t want to think about it, but mostly because…yea it was totally because I did not want to think about it, at all. I suppose now that a couple weeks have passed, I am ready to discuss the Dreaded Test of Higher Education, otherwise known as the GRE. My experience with it was very manic. On the one hand, I panicked about it to the point that I was physically manifesting my anxieties. On the other hand, I went in to take it with a very nonchalant attitude about the whole thing. My results from the test? Very manic.

I woke up extremely early on that day, made my way down to the test center and waited. I waited and waited until the doors opened, we were all let in and handed forms to fill out. There weren’t many people there, although many of them were already irritating me, like this one woman named Maria, who had brought in her Starbucks mochafrappabullshit drink (her name was scribbled on her drink) and was taking her sweet time to not only sip it, but sip it very loudly. I filled out my form quickly, stuffed my belongings into the provided locker and went to answer a couple questions as fast as I could to get away from Maria Full of Sips.

The entire process was very clinical and frightening at the same time. After about three and a half hours, I had finally finished the test, and as a parting gift, the GRE decided it was going to give me a headache that would last all afternoon. I walked out of there a bit dazed and confused and a bit like I had been through academia hell.

While I was paying for parking, the man at the booth inquired about my test. I told him I didn’t think I had done very well.

“That’s ok! You always have another chance. You can come back and take it again and you’ll do great next time!” he said encouragingly.

I left the test site knowing I hadn’t done so well. I don’t know why I expected to do great, seeing as to I hadn’t really studied.

I pushed the test to the back of mind more or less, until I came home last Thursday and received the results by mail. Impatiently, I tore open the envelope and saw what I already knew.

I had done “OK” on the verbal and horrible on the math portion. But what I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, and what has got me to really hate and question the mere idea of a test to get into graduate school, is the fact that I scored near PERFECT on the analytical writing section. The analytical writing section is the portion of the test where you choose two questions and write essays explaining your stance with supporting evidence, complete sentences, deep thought and great grammar and writing skills.

Yes, that’s right. I scored half a point away from a perfect store. Regardless of that half of a point, I was in the top tier section of the scale and had done better than 90 percent of others who completed that section.

I had just taken a $140 test that had made it clear to me (at least academically) that I was a good writer. Perhaps a great writer.

I wasn’t confident enough in my scores as a whole to send it to any school and was pretty depressed about the fact that I didn’t do my best, the sheer realization that a test for graduate school had determined that my analytical writing capabilities were incredibly high was enough for me.

I’m still feeling very disillusioned about this whole graduate school business. The GRE to me, was completely unnecessary and discouraging and in my opinion, it should have absolutely NO bearing on the acceptance of a student to continue their education. NONE whatsoever. It’s a pointless exam with pointless results and does not showcase a student’s talent, just their test taking skills ( at least the multiple choice sections anyway).

I was lucky enough to discover after the test that one of the schools on the top of my list that I wanted to attend doesn’t even require the GRE. But now, the problem isn’t the GRE anymore, it’s money. I don’t know how I can even begin to pay for one year of education that will grant me a Master’s degree, but will cost the same as a luxury vehicle. Sure, there’s scholarships and financial aides and loans, but none of those are a guarantee, and with the way the financial atmosphere is, getting a loan might be near impossible.

I imagine there are so many people all over this country and the world, wondering the same thing I am: how in the world are they going to pay for their education?

The short answer is: I don’t know.

And I really don’t know, but I’m not stopping. I’ll find a way. If worse comes to worst, my choice of school might have to change. But like I said before, the school doesn’t make you, YOU make you. The end.