You know when you reach that point in your life when you think, gee, it would be so great if I could own a pair of comfortable shoes that I could slide my feet in and out of?  In fact, it would be just astounding if they were totally modeled after my OWN FEET. Oh, what’s that? You haven’t reached that point? Well me neither and I’m pretty sure our chances of reaching it are slim.  It just seems that you and I are mentally stable people with good judgment and decision making skills, because there is only one word that can be used to  describe Vibram Five Fingers Shoes: fuckery.

The Vibram Five Fingers is made from polyamide fabric and provides excellent grip in both wet and dry conditions (imagine that!) They’re machine washable and made from vegan friendly materials and stimulate muscles in your feet apparently to build strength and improve range of motion.

This is all fine and dandy and I’m sure to the running aficionado or sports lover, this just sounds like the most AMAZING invention on the world ( I mean, shoes I can wear in the shape of my feet that improve my range of motion? Sign me up STAT.)

But to a shoe lover like me that would most definitely rank the range of motion a shoe can provide at the utmost bottom of my shoe preferences, this is murder.  BLOODY MURDER.

These are worse than crocs. There, I said it. Worse. Than. Crocs. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Vibram Five Fingers too many. No one better tell Mario Batali about this, because there is no way I can continue watching Iron Chef if I see him standing on stage with a pair of fatigue print Five Fingers on.