You haven’t watched the best television of your life until you’ve watched Wife Swap. And you haven’t experienced the amazingness that is Wife Swap until you’ve watched one particular episode, where the cultured and worldly Mrs. Hess-Webb from San Francisco has to switch places with a woman whose family, the Haigwoods, lives on a self-sustaining farm, 90 miles from the nearest city in rural Iowa and abides by a raw animal food diet. But wait, There’s more! The family doesn’t believe in using conventional methods to clean their abode because things like bleach and other cleaning agents kill good bacteria as well as bad. So what do they do instead? Nothing! They don’t clean! This one is a doozy. It’s even better than God Warrior, who is from Trading Spouses, not Wife Swap, but they might as well be the same show. It’s everything you could ask from television and more. And I’m amazed and dumbfounded that it took a day of being sick at home to finally discover this gem of fine television programming from 2007.

I think it’s time for more details, don’t you? Well, in addition to following a raw meat diet, the Hagwoods also eat their eggs raw, sometimes up to 12 a day, according to their son. It’s a good thing I remembered they have children, because guess what? They don’t go to school. That’s right! Mrs. Haigwood thinks school is “boring” and feels that she’s giving her kids everything they need to learn when they work their 10 hour shifts on their farm. “I practice math by counting the chicken’s eggs,” declares their son. Oh dear OH DEAR.

If that wasn’t enough for you, the Haigwoods get up around 2 a.m. every night to ingest what I believe was kefir, which is a fermented milk drink, before resuming sleep.

I can safely and honestly say that I watched this entire episode with my mouth open, baffled by the ahem “traditions” of both families, and while I sympathize with the Hagwoods on the war they wage against chemicals, artificial and processed food and agree with the idea that everyone should be educated about where their food (especially animal products) come from and how they’re prepared, there were just too many things I couldn’t ignore – like the blatant disregard for education and not cleaning their home, um, thing. The Hess-Webbs weren’t that much better, with an extraordinary amount of time and emphasis they put on their appearance and clothes and eating out multiple times a week. Mrs. Haigwood was the better sport of the two  as she went along with pretty much everything to adjut to the Hess-Webb’s lifestyle, while the other wife did not take part in the raw food diet or even sleep in their, albeit disorganized and filthy house.

I’d really love for Wife Swap to create a “Where Are They Now” edition because, well, you know those are always fun to watch, especially where God Warriors and Extreme Raw Food Eating Iowans are concerned. You know you want to see if Off Kilter Rural Iowa Family still butchers their own chicken and then eats it raw. And if their toilet is still filled with black water. And if they still brush their teeth with butter and clay. And if their teenagers have come to their senses and enrolled themselves in school. And if-ok I’m going to stop.

Here’s a fascinating clip below. The lagoon toilet makes an appearance.