Dear Uggs,

Are you familiar with the Beatles’ song “Hello Goodbye?” Well, it’s like you keep saying “Hello” and I keep saying “Goodbye” but you never seem to be going anywhere. In short, you’ve over stayed your welcome five years too long and caused me unnecessary bouts of anger along the way.

When I first saw you, on a stand in the shoe section of Nordstroms, I don’t think I minded your presence entirely that much. I touched you, and you were soft and luxurious and I wondered how you were mean to to be worn. “Where does this fit into life?” I pondered to myself.

The day I met you, is the day I let you go. I walked past you and knew, even back then, that you and I were not a perfect fit, so to speak. I prayed however, that you would find your way back to Australia again, back with the residents of rural areas you have been popular with. You see, I understand why you were popular during World War I and II, when aviators needed you to keep warm in non-pressurized planes at high altitudes. I even understand why people living in cold climates today might wear you, as the sheepskin you’re made from keeps feet at body temperature. I get it, believe me.

But Ugg boots, please explain one thing to me if you can. Why must hoards of fashionably-challenged women and girls in this wonderful city tout you around like they’ve discovered the arch of the covenant? Why must I be forced to stare at women who think fashion-forward means wearing black leggings tucked in Ugg boots with a big flowy sweater on top? Why God why? What has the city of Los Angeles done to you to deserve such an injustice?

You see Ugg boots, people think this city is a terrible place to be already. We don’t need your influence in the matter. The people who have worked hard to make this city somewhat of a fashionable place don’t deserve this. Please pack up your belongings and go away. If not for my sake, for the sake and reputation of this city. We don’t have proper winters here, we know this. We are not suited for your presence. The sooner you go away, the sooner the delusional women in this city will realize what a horribly un-stylish mistake they were committing.

I long for the days when the letters “U” “G” “G” stood for “United Grain Growers” not a fashion disaster that has spread like the bubonic plague.

Kindly,

Liana